As a domestic relations mediator and child protection worker (CASA and GAL)--and a parent--I have occasion to wonder if the media is making our kids too precocious too soon. In So Sexy So Soon (2008), authors Diane E. Levin, PhD and Jean Kilbourne, EdD weigh in and conclude that is the case. While I do not agree with all of their premises or prejudices, there is still considerable merit to their book
First, it should be noted that although the book starts off discussing media and precocious "sexiness"--such as salacious entendres on toddler t-shirts and the rise of preschool and elementary school "sexual harassment" claims--its true focus is on media more generally., as the source of this and other child-rearing ills.
Additionally, as noted, I do not agree with many of the authors' assumptions, particularly to the extent they argue that popular media today--including tv, videos, internet, video games, and attendant commercials and advertisements--create and are boxing our children into gender stereotypes. As the mother of two boys who was herself raised in female-centric households, I firmly believe that sexual differentiation is entirely natural AND occurs--ESPECIALLY for boys--before mothers think it should... Who hasn't watched a boy toddler, before even exposed to media, making guns and cars out of blocks of wood or rocks?? And who hasn't watched similar boys, a few years later, pursued by girls who want to play house and marriage, while the boys run away saying "ewwww"?? Although media may certainly emphasize existing sexual differentiation, I am in the "hard wiring" camp in general.
I also disagree that with the proposition that all children should be limited to wooden blocks and generic role play costumes. The author's believe that role play based on media characters or roles is inherently limiting to the imagination. What??? Most kids take these pre-fab characters and toys and utilize them in stories and ways that distinctly are NOT producer- or manufacturer-authorized. At points I actually wondered if the authors had or spent any time at all with children!
That said, there is still much of value in this book. First, it reminded me to question some kiddos' over-willingness to adhere to the story lines generated in media as the "only way" to play the game. Here, I'm called to mind my very linear, literal "OCD" older boy, who I call "my Jesuit." And I compare this to my younger boy, who never met a game or idea that he didn't immediately alter to better incorporate into his own inner drum beat. To me these are personality differences, but it does remind me to challenge kiddos about what is the "right" way to play or think.
Second, the authors provide a number of very commonsensical ideas regarding how to limit media exposure and influence, and how to develop good lasting communication with your child. Here's a buffet of some of those ideas that appealed to me the most:
- protect children as much as possible by limiting their TV time and also TV content to age appropriate shows;
- plan fun activities to fill time and distract from TV;
- educate yourself about the shows, stories, music and characters that your children are interested in;
- discuss what is observed in media, explore what you child is thinking about what they've seen or heard, and what they understand about it;
- develop the habit of low-keyed, non-judgmental/non-committal conversations with your children, so they develop the habit of talking to you about all their experiences and concerns--frequently you will be listening and "uh-hmmm"-ing rather than actively reacting or interacting;
- when children raise precocious ideas about sex or love, follow their lead and "casually" explore what their understanding of the idea/thing is--often kids use our words to describe much more innocent emotions;
- when a child seems to be fixated on a certain pre-packaged game or play "template" involving a merchandized toy or character (e.g., how to play it "right"), try to shake them out of it, and suggest and encourage alternate ways of playing that game;
- similarly, gently challenge gender-based and other stereotypes, such as by suggesting alternate stories or usage, or pointing out people who do not match those stereotypes;
- teach children respect for all people by always modeling such respect, and by the occasional "teaching moment;"
- encourage children to express and process what they thinking about the media images they encounter, without necessarily trying to correct or educate them--sometimes kids just need to express their thoughts and any information we would add to "clarify" would be "too much information" and beyond their developmental capabilities;
- don't expect or demand that you and a child will always agree on things; and
- "get beyond the 'just say no approach,'" meaning develop the ability to negotiate less troubling uses or activities on those things that are socially important to the child.
All in all, much food for thought. In the meantime, if you have are interested in domestic relations mediation or Guardian ad Litem (GAL) services please feel free to contact Pilar Vaile, P.C. at (505) 247-0802, or info@pilarvailepc.com.
